5 Ways to Calm Your ‘Inner Relationship Psycho’

You know what they say, jealousy is a killer – and this couldn’t be truer when it comes to relationships.

We all know the feeling. Perhaps your partner keeps receiving flirty messages from someone at work or they are hanging out with a certain guy or girl that you have your suspicions about; the green-eyed monster is bound to rear its ugly head at some point.

Often, jealousy manifests itself in lots of different ways. You may be completely rational one minute, then start thinking that your partner is cheating or prefers someone else the next. Even when you know these irrational thoughts are not true, you still might feel a sense of insecurity and over-analyse your partner’s behaviour.

After these feelings of self-doubt and deceit have turned up, they can be difficult to get rid of. It won’t be long before you cannot trust your partner or start to feel rejected and unloved. On the other hand, you may even feel the need to watch over your partner’s every move – wanting to know where they are and what they’re doing at all times.

As a result, the partner on the receiving end of the distrust will start to resent your lack of trust in them and begin to feel suffocated or controlled. Over time, this will cause tension in the relationship and resentment will build, leading to a nasty break up.

However, it doesn’t have to end like this. Sex and relationship expert, Tami Rose, explains why you may be feeling jealous and how you can conquer it to save your relationship:

1) Feelings of Insecurity

Jealousy often begins when one person from the couple starts to develop insecurity within the relationship,” Tami tells us. “Maybe they have been cheated on before or spent lots of time with a previous partner who made them doubtful and untrusting.” While this is not your fault, the jealousy may have a negative impact on your current partner.

To prevent the end of your relationship, it’s important to consider why jealousy is appearing and what your partner has done to make you feel this way. Voice these feelings with your partner and help them to understand what they can do to prevent you feeling this way.

2) Cheated On In Past Relationships

Your past experiences in relationships will have an effect on your current one. For Tami, being cheated on by a previous partner is the biggest reason for jealousy in relationships. “If they have been hurt before, the affected person will have their guard up and are more suspicious when it comes to their next relationship.” she says. As the jealous partner, you need to realise that your new partner isn’t the same as the one who hurt you before. With your current partner’s reassurance, you will need to learn to trust them – even though it may not be easy. Think about how much better this new relationship works, the good qualities of your new partner and what changes the pair of you have to make, so you feel reassured.

3) Trying to Protect Themselves

For some, jealousy is a form of self-protection. “You may think that if you are hyper-aware of your partner’s behaviour then it will prevent anything bad from happening.” Tami explains. This doesn’t work at all. Instead, you push your partner away by over-thinking their every action. 

If you notice this is tearing you and your partner apart, set aside time where you can talk about your jealous thoughts. If it helps, write them down to clear your head of every thought and explain them to your partner. Then you can develop some ground rules with your partner i.e. not speaking to exes, so they do not trigger your jealous feelings.  

4) Feeling Insignificant

When a partner has a low self-esteem, they may only be able to see the attractive qualities of the other, and not what is good about themselves. For example, when comparing yourself to your partner, you may think they’re more attractive, funnier than you or have a better job. As a result, you may find yourself asking “How someone like them could love me? What do they see in me?” However, Tami tells us: “It’s important to understand that your partner loves you because of qualities you may not be able to see yourself.” Remember you do have qualities that go beyond your appearance and career such as honesty, kindness and maturity.  

5) Afraid of Being Hurt

“Believe it or not, but insecurity and jealousy can happen before a relationship has even begun,” says Tami. In the first few weeks of texting and meeting up for drinks, you may be obsessed with the thoughts of your prospective partner being with other people. This often develops because of “an inability or lack of willingness to be honest about what each other needs in the relationship to feel safe mentally, emotionally and physically.”

However, this isn’t healthy – especially in the beginnings of a relationship. This doesn’t mean pouring your heart out about your trust issues on your first date, unless you want to. Instead, if you see the relationship going somewhere, ask your partner about some of the things that make them feel secure in a relationship i.e. not texting other potential dates while seeing someone or not sleeping with other partners.

Do you want to find out more about Tami Rose and her work? Then visit romanticadventures.com

Charlotte Giver

Charlotte is the founder and editor-in-chief at Your Coffee Break magazine. She studied English Literature at Fairfield University in Connecticut whilst taking evening classes in journalism at MediaBistro in NYC. She then pursued a BA degree in Public Relations at Bournemouth University in the UK. With a background working in the PR industry in Los Angeles, Barcelona and London, Charlotte then moved on to launching Your Coffee Break from the YCB HQ in London’s Covent Garden and has been running the online magazine for the past 10 years. She is a mother, an avid reader, runner and puts a bit too much effort into perfecting her morning brew.