“Having a Friend and a Partner are Not the Same Type of Relationship”: The Challenges in Maintaining a Long-Term Friendship
Trying to balance a soulmate and your friendships can feel like a full-time job. While we often lump them together under the “people I love” umbrella, having a best friend and a romantic partner are two entirely different type of relationships. They play different roles in our lives, speak different emotional languages, and—crucially—require different types of “maintenance.” The problem? Between the relentless grind of a 9-to-5, seeing to your family, and the sheer mental load of “adulting,” most of us are running on an empty tank. When life gets loud, it’s usually the Friday night drinks or the long-overdue catch-up call that gets chopped from the calendar first. Many are focused on being the “perfect partner” that our friendships often get relegated to a “like” on an Instagram post rather than the celebration they deserve. Maintaining that platonic spark takes work, but in a world of everyday pressures, finding the energy to be both a great partner and a present friend is the ultimate modern balancing act.
The positive effects of having a long-term relationship
As long-term friendships are built over time and common interests or values, they create a sense of support, loyalty and stability. Because of that shared history and having often seen each other at their worst, there’s also less pressure. People just know they have someone they can rely on, regardless of what’s going on in their life. That kind of connection reinforces our sense of familiarity, so the longer the friendship, the deeper the bond grows.
The challenges in maintaining a long-term relationship
With busy schedules and priorities, it can sometimes be difficult to give friends attention. Time is the obvious challenge, but underneath that is assumption – the belief that friendships will always be there. The two are intrinsically linked. When life gets busy, it becomes easy to put things off, but we all know how that plays out. That’s when people start taking each other for granted.
Most friendships don’t fall apart because people stop caring but because people stop showing up. The solution isn’t difficult. It’s about making a conscious effort, even if that means scheduling it like a dentist appointment. It doesn’t need to be long or deep, just a quick message – all it needs is to show that we care.
Ways to celebrate friendships
Palentine’s, Galentine’s and Friendiversary gifts are all on the rise as people look to celebrate the important people in their life.
Friendships don’t have clear milestones like romantic relationships do. It’s sometimes not even that easy to work out when you meet, let alone a specific date. That’s one of the reasons why it’s easier to overlook but also why it’s important to actively acknowledge the role those people play in your life.
Recognition reinforces the friendship; it makes it visible and shows appreciation. It doesn’t need to be big. A small gesture or simply telling someone what they mean to you is often enough. The issue isn’t that people don’t care, it’s that they don’t always think to show it.
Here I teamed up with greetings card marketplace thortful to speak with Fiona Robinson (61, Harrogate), who has a long-term husband (32 years of marriage) and best friend (55 years of friendship). Fiona discusses the art of longevity in managing both, as well as the benefits of having both important figures firmly in her life.
The key to longevity with both a partner and a friend.
Fiona explains how she’s balanced two important people in her life, “With friends, it’s important to keep in touch. Time is sometimes against us, so even a quick text can do the trick, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a meet up every time. Show an interest in your friends’ life, whether that’s their family, children, work, any challenges. Ensure a balance is found between being a person to lean on, as well as meeting up and having a laugh whenever you’re both available.
When it comes to your partner, showing trust, patience, tolerance, respect and care, emotions on a deeper level to display your appreciation and respect. Keep some independence and separate interests too, as being independent is still important.”
Overcoming the difficulties in managing both relationships
Fiona continues, “energy levels change depending on how long you’ve been with someone. It’s a balance and depends on which stage of life you’re at. A lot of messages are on social media as it prompts you, so it’s easy to stay in the loop with certain occasions. Whether you use a diary or take notes in your phone, take a note of specific events that relate to your partner and your friends as a reminder to get in touch and show you’re thinking about them. That way you can keep both separate and easily prompt yourself to communicate.”
The importance of friendship now more than ever
Fiona concludes why having friends is vital to have a fulfilled life, “valuing independence is important in a long-term marriage. Giving each other space and encouraging certain hobbies and interests goes a long way, and that also gives time for you to communicate with friends. As time progresses in a relationship, you know each other’s boundaries and don’t have to be joined at the hip. There is more freedom to do things for yourself, particularly as children leave home so as time progresses in some circumstances it can be easier to balance seeing all of the important people in your life. You have a completely different relationship to your partner and your friend, and both have attributes that are essential to get through life – finding a routine in home life will give you the time to be with and appreciate your friends.”
Written by relationship and dating expert Sophie Personne