The Hidden Reasons You Can’t Stop Checking Your Ex
We’ve all been there: it’s 11:30 PM, the blue light of your phone is framing your face, and suddenly you find yourself deep-scrolling through a vacation photo from three years ago belonging to… your ex’s new partner’s cousin. If this sounds painfully familiar, rest assured you are nowhere near alone. In fact, digital curiosity has officially hit an all-time high.
Google searches for “how to check on your ex” have surged 1,670% over the past year. And a new RiseGide survey reveals that 48% of millennials and 45% of Gen Zers regularly check their exes on social media.
At the same time, searches for “why do I think about my ex” have jumped 174% in the past month alone. This behavior may be part of what I call “Phantom Life Syndrome” — and it has little to do with still having feelings for an ex.
People usually think they’re checking on an ex because they miss them, but they’re actually checking on an alternate version of themselves.
We live in a world that always pushes us to make perfect choices in everything – job, partner, moment. As a result, people begin approaching their breakup analytically rather than emotionally. They start asking themselves: Did I make the right decision? What would my life be like if we stayed together?
Today’s difficulty is made even worse by social media providing people with the ability to experience alternate versions of lives as no other generation has ever had before.
Your grandparents couldn’t see the life they did not choose developing in real-time. After a breakup, people are always shown curated highlights of their ex’s life, including holiday celebrations, friendships, accomplishments, and even new relationships, generally presented in the most flattering light possible.
Not only are you mourning the lost relationship, but also comparing your genuine existence to a filtered version of the future you think you could have had. In many cases, exwatching is more about self-doubt and less about attachment to someone else.
The challenge is that people usually check their ex to make sure their choice was right, but end up feeling worse because of the one picture turning into identity anxiety. A good method for self-examination is asking yourself: Am I really searching for them? Or am I looking for reassurance regarding my own decisions?
Written by Prudence Leung, Registered Psychotherapist, Coach, and resident expert at EduBirdie