Cones and Co-workers: The Weirdest Things You’ve Woken Up With

Our beds are sacred places. They can help us to relax, recuperate our energy, and leave busy days behind us. But did you know that the average Brit spends 318 months of their life asleep in bed? This is about one-third of our lifetime. Throughout that time spent in our place of slumber, there’s always the possibly of something unexplained happening, especially if we’ve been sleep deprived or, simply can’t remember falling asleep. The things that go bump in the night or otherwise, need to be shared and stories compared. Afterall, we all need a good laugh and its helps to see the funny side of things?

On your next zoom meet-up with friends or, if you’re lucky enough to gather together at the pub, try putting this question to the group: ‘What’s the weirdest thing you’ve woken up with?’ You might well get some bizarre responses that you didn’t expect! Just for a bit of criac, we teamed up with online hybrid mattress retailer, OTTY, and carried out research on the subject matter, to help uncover some of the strangest of bedroom encounters out there. 

Admittedly, some responses were hard to beat and need further exploration, with some folks revealing that they’ve woken up to find the likes of a ‘shopping trolley’ in their bed or, ‘Slovakian police in my hotel room’. We can only hope that these bedroom incidents are isolated, and don’t happen too frequently. We take a look at some the best (or most unusual) answers.

Dreaming of a steak bake?

A common theme among many respondents was food. Unsurprisingly, some food types appeared more than others. Yes, the famed post-night-out kebab was named as one of the weirdest things the British public have woken up with.

One man, from the North-East, commented that he had woken up ‘snuggling my kebab’. For others, their mixed-meat-memoirs are not so fortunate. A man from Yorkshire recalled how he had woken up with ‘Donner kebab all over me’. It was unclear if this was a desirable outcome.

Other food items that people have woken up with include ‘a half-eaten steak bake’, ‘a piece of ham’, and a ‘loaf of bread’. The bread would have come in handy for the person who woke up with ‘a toaster’ — toast goes well on any breakfast after a good sleep, after all.

Waking up with real creature comforts

If you ever find that your partner is an invasive sleeper, try sharing a bed with a dog. Our pets love to spread themselves out on our duvets and act as if your bed is their palace. After all, mattresses are not just comfortable for people. It’s not unusual to wake up and find that our animals are resting with their head on the pillow. What is unusual, however, is if you wake up and find that the animal in your bed does not belong to you. This was the reality for some of our respondents.

A Northern Irish lady revealed that she had woken up with ‘a stranger’s dog’ in their bed. Another man commented that he had found a dog ‘trapped in my sleeping bag’ when they woke up. While this may appear as a pet lovers dream, for this pair, it may have been a nightmare trying to work out where they got these dogs from. Another person claims they were awoken by ‘a duck’ in their bedroom.

However, the most unusual animal tale goes to a gentleman from Yorkshire and Humber who reminisces on the time he woke up with ‘a brace of pheasants’ on their bed. A pair of game birds is certainly one of the most unusual items declared in the survey. Whether this man hunted the birds himself is unknown. The survey seemed to create more questions than it answered.

The sign of a good night out

What is the sign of a good night out? For some people, it seems that this question is taken a little too literally. In fact, several responses highlighted a strange fascination with stealing traffic and construction signs and materials, only to keep them in their beds.

While the humble traffic cone was a usual suspect in the line-up of stolen goods taken to bed, one man admitted to being a serial offender. He claims to have taken ‘three traffic cones, a roadworks sign, and three road barriers’ back to his bed after a night out. Meanwhile, another man claims to have woken up with ‘a traffic light’ under the duvets. Clearly, a red light alone was not enough to appeal to this person’s sensibility.

One person from Scotland has shown a solid effort for bringing construction home with his revelation that he woke up with ‘shoes completely encased in concrete’. He concludes that he ‘must have walked over wet concrete on route home’. This takes a heavy night out to a whole new level of meaning.

Rachel Bartee

Rachel Bartee is a blogger and freelance writer dreaming of a tour round the world to write a story of her greatest life adventure. For the time being, she feels inspired by her daily yoga sessions and studies Interpersonal Relationships.