The extraordinary thing about this topsy-turvy world is that everyone finds different things attractive in a partner – contrasting things appeal and repel from one person to the next. This gives us hope that there is someone out there for everybody. You can find someone as weird as you – the ying to your yang, the other piece of the jigsaw puzzle. Doesn’t that give you a warm fuzzy feeling?
Sometimes the reason that your date isn’t the one for you on Valentine’s is not easy to articulate. He ticks all the boxes, he is just missing that….je ne sais quoi. Nothing personal. However there are some all too familiar reasons why he’s not the one for you this Valentine’s. Here are some you may recognise:
1. You can’t be yourself around him
It’s natural at the beginning on the relationship to be nervous and unsure of yourself, but you should feel able to be authentic. If it’s just that you are lacking in confidence, that’s no reason to end a date, your confidence should build in time. However if you are suppressing your true nature in order to fit in with his views and opinions – this is not OK. If your date is overly critical of you, or overly critical in general, this should ring alarm bells.
2. He has a bad habit that repels you from the start
Everyone has their vices and no one is infallible. However there are some habits which can be very off-putting on a date in those initial stages of potentially blossoming attraction. Perhaps he is a smoker, and this repels you. If he is open to stopping, or he is trying to stop, it will help for you to gently encourage him. Maybe suggest a way of helping him give up like joining the NHS Stoptober campaign which encourages vaping as a means of giving up. By switching to vaping, you will also no longer have to suffer toxic fumes and the vaping smoke has a pleasant smell. Suggest that you give up a vice alongside him so that you both can quit a bad habit together.
3. You have more enthusiasm than he does
If you feel like you are the only one giving 100% this can be a decider. You don’t want to get into a one-sided relationship. Make sure that you are both initiating meeting up, deciding on where to go and what to do. If you find it had to distract him away from his phone on the date, don’t put up with this again.
Bottom line: if he’s just not that into you – call it a day.
4. You are overlooking a deal-breaker
Make sure that you are true to yourself and your beliefs. If your date is sexist or racist or anything -ist that makes you uncomfortable and upset feel that you can end the date early. You might be passionate about animals welfare, but find yourself on a date with a guy who has an equal passion for blood sports. You might campaign for women’s rights but find yourself on a date with a guy with strong misogynist views. There are opportunities in life to educate and change someone’s opinion, but sometimes a conflicting opinion might be pretty entrenched and you want a Valentine’s date – not a heated debate.
5. He has lied to you
Even if the lie is about something trivial, this should ring alarm bells. Lying can be addictive and trivial lies are actually just as bad as it means that they are infiltrating every day. If he has lied to you once, he will lie to you again. No matter how much you like him, you need to be able to wholly trust him. After one lie, the doubt creeps in and will be destructive.
6. The conversation is awkward
Communication is vital for any relationship. It is perfectly normal for initial conversations to be shy and awkward. However after a few dates, and a few glasses of wine, you should enjoy chatting to him. Conversation during a good date should spark, you should laugh and enjoy the company. If you only get one word answers from him, and you daydream about having a more exciting conversation with a brick wall, now is the time to leave.
7. Your instinct tells you that he’s wrong for you
If you have a gut feeling about him; you’re probably right. So often we choose to push away any feelings of uncertainty as we get swept up in wanting a date on Valentine’s Day. Sometimes people go on to marry someone they feel is wrong for them deep down and it comes back to haunt them in the future. If you have a hunch that something isn’t right, you can talk to your friends and family about it for accountability – but they are likely to give the same advice.
8. Your date is rude to everyone but you
If your date is unkind to others in your company but seemingly changes personality with you they probably want something from you. No genuinely decent person is unkind to others. It is likely that the ‘real’ person is the rude, unkind person you see acting that way to others as this is his default, auto-response.
9. You feel uncomfortable
You shouldn’t feel like you need a specific reason to explain why he’s not the one for you this Valentine’s – while you don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings, if a date is simply making you feel very uncomfortable – you don’t have to hang around.
10. He’s a bully
If there is any threat of violence or your date is making you feel scared in any way – whether it be verbal or physical – make sure that you end your date immediately. If you are in a bar, go to the bar and ‘ask for Angela’ and the staff will know that is the code that you need protection (a police campaign). If you have been in a relationship with the guy before Valentine’s Day, and he has been abusive, call the national domestic abuse helpline, open 24 hours a day.
11. There is no spark
You need initial physical attraction for any relationship to be successful. A relationship with nothing beyond physical attraction won’t last – you need both. However that ‘spark’ is vital. Often it isn’t something physical – just a twinkle in the eye, or a shared sense of humour that makes the other person physically attractive.
It is vitally important that you never feel any social obligation to go on or stay on a date where you don’t feel comfortable – you are not captive. Don’t go on a Valentine’s date with someone you feel unsure about. Valentine’s Day is publicised as the most romantic date of the year, but don’t let that cloud your judgement and be swept up with the idea of it. Organise an ‘anti-Valentine’s’ night out or night in with friends – it will be far more fun!